“You are not catholic, you are not French, you are not too skinny” were the words that my ex boyfriend told me one night in bed. He was actually referring to all the concerns his awful mother (yes, I used the adjective she deserves) had about me.
This led to our first big fight and the moment he pronounced those hurtful words I saw the red lights coming. Of course I ignored them.
Instead, I found myself crying in my pajamas at 2am at my building entrance not knowing what to do. Nobody has ever insulted me that much and I could not believe that the person who was supposed to love me and protect me from anyone was actually doubting if I was the right person for him… and because of those three things.
Let me put this in context for you. My ex comes from an extreme catholic background and I come from a rather open-minded sort of catholic family. I can say most of my relatives are catholic. For instance, the older generation goes to church at least once a week. However, right after church you may find them gossiping and looking to other people from head to toe. Then you have my grandpa (who passed away) and my aunt who belong to a religion from India (apologies I do not remember the name). They both followed a straight vegan diet before it became fashionable. They would also meditate every single afternoon. In all honesty my aunt is one of the purest souls I have ever met. She is the example of what being in peace with yourself must look like. Last but not least, I was from age 4 to 18 in a Jewish school, surrounded by other traditions in my own country.
Then you have my close family. My dad and mom who in the beginning tried to take us to church but who quickly found out that being a good person everyday and helping others is the most important thing you can do in life. They told me that in order to help others you do not really need to belong to a religion or an institution. My parents never forbid or imposed me to think in a certain way. On the contrary, they encouraged me to ask questions, debate and explore as long as I would always keep my morals with me. Gosh, I am forever grateful for that! Finally, my sister was the best example of those principles. She did not follow any particular religion, but her mind, actions and kindness made out of her the best role model.
In my family we still believe in God, or Gods, or Greek Gods, or Allah, or vibes, or energies, or destiny, or whatever you want to call it. So we do believe in something. We acknowledge the fact that we are insignificant in this world and that we cannot understand it all. We believe in karma, resurrection and when someone or something gives you a gut feeling you should listen to it.
This is exactly what brings us back to the beginning of our story. That night with my ex I should have seen the signs and listened to my gut and ended it there. How could I ever let anyone insult me so much? And because of my beliefs, nationality or size?
Moreover, how could I even think about being with somebody that actually saw life so differently? How could I be with someone that saw a nationality, a size or a religion as a problem? But you know, I was in love. I thought we could “work it out”. I really thought that and, even though I would fight hard and speak my mind, it was just not correct to keep going down that path. Today, I think that if he had not broken up with me by text while I was in another continent, I could have blindly stayed in that relationship.
So destiny, Gods, karma or whatever saved me from this one. Pheeeeeew that was close…
Ever since I went through that experience I understand more than ever how women can allow this (or more) from men. Because they are in love, or not confident enough with themselves, or perhaps it’s a lack of education, or many other excuses. I do, however, believe that it is mainly society, making women feel they have to be loved and desired and find “the right one” at any price. So yes, I am blaming it on society because women have been taught for decades that the way they look and how people perceive them is more important than to love and respect themselves.
Just as any human being, women represent more than a stupid comment, a size, a religion, a passport or hormones.
This blog is for all those women feeling bad about who they are (single or not).
You are AMAZING! If you are in a bad relationship and have seen one or one million red lights telling you to stop, be brave, grab your ovaries and free yourself. If you are in a relationship with someone that you love and respect and it is mutual, then enjoy it because I am sure you deserve it. And if you are single and feel lonely because you are not in a relationship, make a list of all the amazing things you like about yourself. It will make you feel better. Remember it is better to sleep alone at night than to sleep next to someone who makes you feel lonely.
Whatever your situation is, I hope you find inner peace. Everyday you have to love yourself, forgive yourself, cry if you need to, but after a while, dry-up your tears and smile and dance. Learn to control your mind and your brain and your body will just follow. This is what I try to remind myself everyday. Some days I do it well, sometimes I might fail but it’s ok.
You can do this girl! You are you and that is all you need. <3