Put yourself first even if that means breaking up may sound harsh and selfish but the truth is that if that is what you need it is absolutely okey.
Throughout the past years, life has taught me the importance of loving myself. Doing activities that I like and being able to be alone and enjoy my own company. Life has taught me how important it is to love myself and and to remember the same value while being in a relationship.
I am glad that I knew that when I started a relationship end of 2019. Him and I broke up by the end of the summer of the same year. The reason being – spoiler alert – he could not provide me of what I needed. Now, let me tell you how I went from having a relationship to a breakup.
It was summer in France, we were enjoying a bit of freedom after three months of lockdown and it was about six months that we were together. Things were going a bit back to normal (COVID wise) and we were being able to enjoy bars and restaurants again. My boyfriend and I had to meet at a bar’s terrasse. By then, I was having doubts about us, about him.
I realized during lockdown about things that I really did not like of him. For instance, that he was a non stop smoker, he did not express his feelings and emotions and he failed me already a couple of times when I needed him. So while we were sitting outside together I was quiet, I had doubts and I told him that. This opened a huge conversation that ended up being about him and his traumas. He told me how nobody in his family expressed their feelings and that he was doing the same with me without realizing. He also realized that he was copying the same patterns that he hated from his own dad. We talked for like two hours, I cried but I was also patient and explained him that I am not asking for perfection but just for communication.
After what I thought was a fruitful conversation, he went to the bathroom and when he came back he told me: “I wanted to tell you something else, I am leaving for a month to Barcelona next month.” I was shocked. He had never mentioned the idea of Barcelona and the problem was not him going there it was, once again, the lack of communication of important things.
So there I was, exhausted… I thought, we had just spent two hours talking about moving forward until Barcelona came into the conversation. He was leaving in a week for a month. When he saw my reaction he added that “I was invited and could come anytime.” Well, thanks, I guess. It is not the invitation the problem but rather the lack of communication, of caring how I felt about it and maybe even decide a moment that could be convenient for both of us. The month of July, when he wanted to leave, was not the best month for me at work.
Anyways, I passed it and made my point. He agreed that I was right and that after this time away he will work on himself. He went to Barcelona, I went there also later for a week. We had a wonderful time together.
Once in Spain, he asked me if I wanted to go with him and his friends who had just organized a weekend in the south of France. I said yes. So after his month in Barcelona and our 2 weeks apart, he flew to Nice (South of France) and I did the same but from Paris. I spent the weekend and he stayed for the rest of the week. Again, I felt him cold at some points and I found out during that getaway that him and hiw friends planned this trip months ago. It is right then and there that I knew it, he was going to be like this always. He will always run away somewhere without any reasons and I will never be his priority (not to travel but to talk and share). That night I cried in bed next to him. I realized that he will always be selfish, with no communication, never ready to be in a serious and mature relationship. I told him what I thought, he sweared that this was a once in a lifetime since he was able to work from everywhere due to COVID. I dried up my tears but deep inside I did not believe him.
I was right. After that weekend I came back to Paris, he stayed in the south and then we met in Italy for our holidays ( we had planned it together a while ago). Italy was a dream, very romantic and a bubble of perfection. However, that perfection bursted when we arrived back to Paris.
Not even 48 hours had passed and while I was at work, my ex sent me a text saying “When are we suppose to see your friends? This week or next week? Cause I think next week I’m leaving again.”. I could not believe him. Actually I could, it was just a matter of time but I never thought it would take him less than two days to that to me again. There he was, again, trying to escape and tun away after all this time apart and all over the place. I needed some stability after such a year of ups and downs and he clearly could not give me even a bit of that. I was so upset and replied to his text. I told him that it was extremly innapropriate to text me something like that while at work and that I was tired of this, of him. I tried to breath and told him that I was going to call him.
I want to a meeting room and what was supposed to be a quick call became a fight over the phone for like an hour. The details do not matter much since it was very simple that we did not see things the same way. He hated being in Paris, he hated his job, working from home, the heat, being alone and many other excuses. He did not know where he was going or for how long he just wanted to leave and again he did not care about my feelings, my opinions or anything. I told him that the way he wanted to live his life is ok but in that case he needs to be single and not in a relationship with someone. I ended that phone call telling him that if he was leaving I was done with him.
We hang up.
I saw my friends later that evening for a birthday and talked to them. They told me not to make it a big deal and be chill and talk it over. I sent him a text saying him not to worry, that we will figure it out and that we would talk about it the next day. He replied saying “You are the most caring person I have ever met.”. Me, I still had faith.”
The next day he came to my place for lunch. Lunch never happened since we immediately started talking and he said to me that everything I had told him over the phone the day before was right. That I was right and so that it was better for us to break up.
I could not really believe him. I thought it was a joke. I was calm and I thought we were just gonna talk about it. So after one hour of telling him (and putting myself down) that we would go through this he said that he had really made up his mind and that it was over. That second on, I started crying big time, I felt so sad I thought it was “my fault” since it was me who had given the ultimatum last night over the phone. I cried as I hugged him. Him, as always, no expression of any sort of feelings. After three hours of talking and crying he left, he said we could talk about it more calmly the next day.
The rest of my day sucked, I was so sad and could not stop crying. Suddenly, I realized that he was right and I was right when I was over the phone with him. He did not deserve me and our relationship would never work. He would always think of himself first and I would suffer over and over again. He could not express his feelings (he never did with any of his exes either). So why should I be next to someone that would show me no feelings?
Just like that, I grabbed my two ovaries, I accepted the situation and started to get over him. It took a couple of weeks and went through all break up stages but I can say I am so proud of me. I am proud of the way I managed the phone conversation, of having set my limits and putting myself first.
Anyhow, I am certain that this relationship came to teach me that I was able to open my heart again, to have fun, to share the beginning of 2020 with someone and to realize that I can be in a romantic relationship but that I also and most importantly remain truthful to myself.
Now, I can truly wish him to start his process of healing his fears and wounds and to open up his heart and his feelings in order to have a healthier and more peaceful life. He was not a bad guy but he was just not the best boyfriend, at least not for me.
This article if for all those women who have been through a rough breakup for a reason or another. I also want to dedicate this for all the women who are scared of walking away of a relationship but who are suffering. Ladies, do know that self love is the most important type of love. Remember as well that if you are asking for love, communication and care it is not too much to ask and that you deserve it. Please promise me to ALWAYS put yourself first even if that means breaking up.