2019 was a hell of a year.
It challenged me personally, it pushed me to ask myself questions I was still afraid to answer and it forced me to love myself even more. I dealt with past lovers that hunted me like ghosts. I faced death and the fear of it by losing my grandma and a friend. I learned through homeless people that happiness is a state of mind and that we are all capable of smiling. I was grateful for having found an amazing new job. And I also got scared for my health after a bad decision I made in Rome.
Once I knew my health was untouched I finally understood what being grateful really was. I felt that life was giving me a second chance and I decided that I will really live each day. I will take care of my body, I will take care of my soul and I will never forget what my value.
The last three months of 2019 were a real closure of so many years of doubts, insecurities, agitation and (rollercoasters of) emotions. I decided, from then on, that I would be more grateful each day for the simple things.
Things like what you may wonder?
Well, things like having a roof over my head, being able to do sports or run (even though sometimes I don’t feel like), being able to feed my body, to connect with people. I also promised myself that I would love me more, give my mind and my body more credit. I promised I will always be present for my family in spite of the distance and that my friends will always be a top priority in my life.
So I started applying the points mentioned above. First of all, I joined the French Red Cross to help the homeless. I started running and doing yoga regularly (at least once a week each). I did my first race with my colleagues and speaking of them, I’ve been giving my 150% at work without feeling exhausted (because I am happy and the company is great). I have been meditating almost every day and I started learning Italian ! With a bit of difficulties I managed to still see and check-on my friends and family. When I went to Ecuador I gave my nephews the time to play with them. I realized one by one all the things that gave me peace and yet challenged me positively. I also took the decision to say no to toxic behaviors of some people and not caring to open them the door and let them out of my life.
I celebrated the end of 2019 and the beginning of 2020 with the people that I love me the most. I truly felt grateful in my heart and in my mind and I felt I was entering 2020 stable, sane, happy and in peace…
In spite of so much positive change, I still realized by the end of 2019 that I was still scared of being vulnerable when it came to love. I knew more than ever I had to work on that with myself and for myself. I understood I had to be more open, be less fearful and embrace change if I ever wanted to allow someone in, and even more important, allow someone to stay…
For so many years I had to remind myself of my own value and how to be strong alone in another country. I went from feeling lonely and worthless in 2017 to very independent and needless of love in 2019. It is true, one shall never depend on anyone but that does not mean that one should shut down love and vulnerability. So my main 2020 resolution is to open my heart to love because I owe it to myself first but also because someone else could deserve it (my heart).
This article is for all those women who are trying to find balance within themselves in order to allow people come into their lives. Remember, being vulnerable will be important but that does not mean you will forget about yourself. Give yourself some credit and remember that you also deserve to be happy with family, friends, colleagues or even a partner. Cure yourself first, keep loving you always but try not to build concrete walls to protect you. ❤️