Giving myself another chance

Tonight I heard my neighbors fighting.

It is not the first time I hear them yelling and swearing at each other.

Even though, most of the times I hear them having sex. I guess half of the people living in Paris have been through this issue of non sound proof walls and ceilings.

But just as I am typing, I hear her yelling. I hear him yelling too. Both of them on a higher note each time. She shuts the door and tells him to “fuck off”. I do not know who is right or wrong.

The only thing I know is that there is no respect in their communication which immediately reminded me of similar nights I had with my ex. It might have happened 3 or 4 times. Once, it was during a romantic summer getaway in Porto. One thing led to another and there we were, screaming at each other and crying. No doors were being shut though.

Indeed, it happened more than once and I shouldn’t have allowed it, but as I have explained you in previous articles, I thought “we could work it out”.

Two years after my breakup (and a larger dose of self love), I hear my neighbors yelling and I get scared.

Yup, just like you’ve heard me.

It scares me to fall in those tricky paths of no respect to one another. It scares me that when two people get too comfortable in a relationship they actually lose respect. I am also scared to be blinded by the situation, as it once happened to me, and to accept the unacceptable.

You might wonder how come I am getting to think in such a negative way?

Well, simply because I am dating someone again.

And it scares me. It scares the h*ll out of me.

I believe the scariest part is to get my heart broken back again. But also not to be able to see the signs in order to be able to stop something wrong on time. Sometimes I get to believe I am sabotaging myself for fear that only exists in my mind.

You might also wonder if so far there has been something wrong with this guy.

Well, the answer is no.

That is exactly why I am mostly blocked, because with other guys it has been quite easy to find a good reason to stop seeing them. Whereas in this current situation, I have looked from close and there is nothing wrong, yet. No excuse for me to stop texting or dumping the guy. No excuse for me to explode and run away. And then my negative thoughts invade my mind and all I can think is “it’s just a matter of time until some s**t happens”.

So yes, I am scared. Scared of moving forward in this dating process, of having more feelings, of falling in love, of moving in together, of making plans and memories that just one day could fade away into pain.

Perhaps, the positive side of this is that now I acknowledge my flaws and fears in order not to let them interfere – or at least I try to. I want to be and give the best version of myself , just as I naturally do it with my friends and family.

***

Upstairs, at my neighbor’s, the fight has seized. It is almost midnight, so I believe they might have gone to sleep out of exhaustion. Perhaps tonight their backs will be facing or perhaps the quiet of the city and the lightening at the street will make them realize that their problems might have a solution and they might end up spooning or more…

So just as the night has cleared the noise, I hope I can clear my head to open-up a bit more, even if that includes a high dose of risk and vulnerability.

At the end of the day, I owe it to myself a chance to be happy and to acknowledge that I have healed and that I deserve to dare again.

And as my mom would always say: “as long as there is love and respect…”

___

This article is for all those women, whom like me, are scared to feel, to dare and to allow someone new enter in their lives. We must remind ourselves that we have not failed previously but it was simply not meant to be. We must remind ourselves that we are worth smiling and that we deserve a happy life. We shall dare, as we keep our minds clear, our hearts guarded (at least in the beginning), and our joy untouchable.

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