In five weeks I have managed to post my five first articles on my blog.
It all started one night when I had the need to write my experience of my previous relationship and what my previous breakup really meant for me. That’s how I started the For All Those Women blog. The first article was about my ex (“Too Much Of A Feminist”) and so was the second one (“You are not Catholic, you are not French, you are not too skinny.”). I must admit, putting myself in a vulnerable position had a rather positive effect in me.
But I also quickly realized I did not want to make this blog about him. I wanted to make a blog where I could write about my experiences in different fields with the goal of empowering women who could relate their story to any of mine. Since then, I have tried to write different type of articles, some are joyful (Traveling Solo) and others have a positive approach (Confidence Under The Spotlight), or at least that’s what I pretend to do. The only thing that all articles had to have in common is that they would be honest and objective – at least with my side of the story – at all times.
One thing led to another, and everytime I would be writing I felt the need to read many books about feminism and human equality. I started conversations with my friends and families about those topics. I also did some serious soul searching (with myself) to understand my personality, fears and passions better.
That is exactly how I realized I have two stories buried in the back of my head. The first one will be covered right away and the second will be published later on this year. I promise.
So here comes the first one…
…I was in love with my best friend.
Yes, just like you read it.
He was my best friend since we were little kids. After school, I was often going to his house for play dates and to do homework together. My first pajama party was also with him. I remember my parents were hesitant if they should allow me to sleep at his. Then, they figured that our friendship was pure and healthy so the fact of him being a boy and me being a girl did not mean anything. We were just being happy kids. Gender did not mean anything yet. We had so much fun. Like real fun. Like the type of fun you have when you are a free kid. It was amazing how I was just being me and he was just being him and that was all we needed.
But years later…
We were not children anymore. We were becoming teenagers, we started to see each other differently. I for sure saw him as a guy and he saw me as a gal. I started having girl friends and he started to hang out more with guy friends. I try to tell myself that perhaps the physical changes during our teenage years represented different needs (or perhaps I am just justifying it with a sexist idea based on gender differences).
In spite of those changes, we continued being friends and talking everyday. I do not exactly remember what we talked about but we used to call each other home almost everyday and talk for hours until very late at night. I do, however, remember talking about life and dreams and sharing our struggles. Those long phone conversations are one of the purest memories that I have from my high school years.
It took me a while to realize that I loved him. I mean, I had appreciated him since kids only that as a teenager my feelings towards him became stronger and somehow embarrassing to accept it. Some classmates, girls mainly, realized it. I denied it. I even tried to deny the feeling to myself but back in my head I knew I was in love.
You might wonder why I denied it? Well, mainly for these three reasons:
- I was scared of losing his friendship (after all he was also the best friendship I have ever had)
- I was scared to dead that it might not be reciprocated (once again teenage me thinking I was ugly and fat and not enough for him)
- He had a high school girlfriend that was in fact one of my best girlfriends (I know, it sounds like a cheap rom com movie)
I believe the third reason was the most complicated one. He was my friend, she was my friend. They were both handsome and in a relationship. I could not interfere. So, I decided to remain silent for the sake of their relationship and of our friendship. After all, friendship meant also loyalty. So I never dared to express my feelings.
Long story short, I started to suffer… and hell did I suffer a lot.
I was friends with both of them, I also had to advice them and be objective when they were not doing well in their relationship. Plus, I had to accept that I was not the only girl he would talk to on the phone. I had to accept the changes, the rumors and the fact that every time he would need me he would come to me and I was there (like an idiot) waiting for him.
I was also blaming it on my physical appearance, thinking I was not at all like his girlfriend. I was thinking I was not petite enough, I did not have the beautiful curly hair she had and I certainly did not have a group of boys declaring their love to me.
The breaking point of this situation was when he started taking advantage of my loyalty. When he was sad he would come to me, when he needed help with homework (or anything else) he would come to me, when he was on a break with his girlfriend he would come to me, when he had emotional breakdowns he would come to me. But then, at high school he would ignore me. He was not saying ‘hi’ or approaching to talk or hangout, he was literally avoiding me. But then again, once at home, he would call me, confess me his dreams, fears, thoughts and we would talk all night long. I am still certain I got to know him better than anyone else, it just did not look like.
That’s how I started experimenting my first toxic relationship.
Until one day, I felt so tired of his games and I just could not handle the pain he was causing me anymore. I had tried too much already, too many talks, too many fights, too much hope for nothing. So I stopped talking to him. I literally ignored him for two years.
For two years I had to see him at school, same class, everyday. Next time we talked again was the night of our high school graduation ceremony. By then it was too late, he was leaving to study abroad in a couple of weeks and so was I. We decided to remain friends. I still had faith in our friendship.
However, I did not dare to tell him what I felt the past years. (I am pretty sure he figured it out at a point). I thought I would start a new chapter and close that one. It was an on & off friendship during the first year abroad until I decided to put an end to it. So I just blocked him out of my life. No explanations, no apologies. I felt I had already been through so much because of him. I felt I owed him no further explanations.
A decade has passed, and it isn’t until I started this blog and soul searching that I realized how much he impacted my feelings, my confidence and my teenage years.
Luckily, this blog taught me to be vulnerable and honest so I decided to take this story out. I think I owed it to myself.
So yes, I fell in love with my best friend and he broke my heart as well. But I’m ok.
If I may just conclude by saying that I decided to write this very honest blogpost For All Those Women who are scared of expressing their feelings or being vulnerable. Do not care. Please, be brave and speak out your mind. Do not carry secrets during a decade because of what anyone could think. Remember, the worst thing that could happen is that the situation will not change, so it cannot get worst. Be vulnerable, but never put yourself second. You are your priority, hence your feelings and thoughts must be heard and respected. If it is not reciprocated, let them go and be grateful that life/gods/vibes showed you the right path and did not make you waste any extra time or energy. Best case scenario, someone will love you back as much as you love him/her. Just remain confident and please LOVE yourself. <3